*Disclaimer: This is part of my story and experience. Everyone deals with LHC in different ways. I also do not want to take away from the pain and grief many are experiencing in this season. I just want to share my story in hopes it will serve someone else.
How are you feeling now? It is a question that I often get these days.
And I really want to say, “Fine!”
And some days I do.
But what I want is to explain how much the effects of COVID has robbed me of this year.
But, who wants to hear all that?
Usually, people want to hear a quick answer because it feels awkward to hear more and not know what to say.
I get that, so it’s easier to say, “I’m fine.”
But in reality, there is so much more to say.
This year I thought I would write more.
I have not written on this blog at all till today.
I thought I would finish projects that I had been dreaming of accomplishing.
I thought I would walk more.
I thought I would sing again.
I thought I would travel more and meet up with friends I haven’t seen.
But I haven’t.
This year has been physically slow.
Gradual Healing.
This year I had to sleep a lot more.
I slept even when I didn’t want to, but my body demanded it.
At the same time suffering, from cluster headaches that debilitated me in my sleep or during the day.
I have taken more meds and supplements than in my lifetime and gone to the doctor way too many times.
I spent half of the year recuperating my lung capacity and the other half figuring out why I am still so exhausted.
Or dealing with that COVID body ache after long work days or family outings. And the discomfort of nausea that comes with it.
The emotional toll of losing so much hair for six months to then having to figure out how to get my pre-COVID hair the other six months.
I felt numb to emotions and then overwhelmed with them.
I have tried to cry and then tried to stop crying.
I have struggled a lot physically and mentally.
I have forgotten my thoughts.
I have had trouble with my speech.
I have needed help with walking.
I have dreamed less.
And I have said no too many things I desired to say yes to.
I have dealt with fear.
Fear of my body, fear of pain.
And even angry with my body.
How long will my body take to heal?
How long will my brain feel so foggy?
When will I feel fully rested?
Has been questions I ask myself every day.
I could share so much more, but this is just a glimpse of what this virus took from me.
Yet, in my grief,
In my pain
In my aches
In my sorrow
In my fear
In the gradual
God has been and stayed near to this brokenhearted and crushed spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
He has been teaching me the value of being slow.
The importance of saying NO.
The space for waiting.
The need for being present.
The significance of doing one thing at a time. (Because I used to pride myself in multi-tasking, something I haven’t been great at again.)
The OK with not being OK
He has been teaching me the necessity of being silent.
The gift it provides us when receiving generously from others.
The unselfishness of a family.
The authenticity of genuine friendships.
The essence of listening.
The miracle of daily courage.
He has been teaching me the worth of pausing long enough to have meaningful and life-giving conversations.
The beauty of observing nature at a slower pace.
The sweetness of having my kids crawl in bed, hold each other, and do nothing but laugh and sometimes even cry.
The way my husband’s kindness demonstrates to me what in sickness and in health looks like.
He has been teaching me how to be compassionate and kind to myself.
Do I want to continue struggling with the effects of the virus? NO!!
Do I want to sit in this season-long enough to taste and see the goodness of God for those who take refuge in Him? YES! (Psalm 34:8)
Do I trust that He will free me from all my fears? YES! (Psalm 34:4)
Do I know that He hears my cries? YES! (Psalm 34:15)
What will this New Year bring? I don’t fully know.
I want to dream more and write more.
I want to grow more and be braver.
What I do know is that my heart desires to continue to “Praise the Lord at all times; His praise will continually be on my lips” this new year too. (Psalm 34:1)
Stay tuned to the next word…
